Still Kicking

I'm still alive.

Stephanie's passing was an experience I wasn't quite ready for.  I needed to step back and center myself, do the soul-searching stuff, and focus/become involved with the here and now.  Here's a quick update of some of what I've been up to.

Since September I have been in 2 shows:

• For Halloween:  CatrinaQ's Sinister 2013.  Think Disney Princesses loosely meets The Rocky Horror Picture show.  I played Pocahontas in Act 1 and in Act 2, the Old Hag from Snow White (who we've affectionately come to know as Hagar.)  

• For Christmas:  CatrinaQ's Merry Glitzmas 2013.  It was a pretty straight forward Christmas show.  I sang Noel and Elvis' Santa Bring My Baby Back

I've decided to take up oil painting again on top of all the sewing I plan on doing so I'm going to be a very busy woman in 2014.    

Downtown Shabby Season 2 will be casting at the end of January, so I'm looking forward to that. 

I will definitely try to be more consistent with my writing in the coming year as I muse over life stuff.  

Stephanie

I spent the morning of Sunday, September 8, sewing a new costume for the next show I'll be doing come October.  I ran into a few snags.  The point of my Pocahontas skirt was curling up when I hemmed it.  I tried to iron it flat, but it just kept flipping up - like freaking elf shoes, but on a skirt!  How the heck was I supposed to fix that??  This was an incident I would have texted Stephanie about to get some quick help, but because of her condition I needed to manage on my own.

My sister and I got to visit Stephanie and Tyler on Thursday, the 5th, after work.  Although her body was extremely fragile, her muscles soft, her skin bruised, and her brain... confused, there were moments when she was completely alert and connected.  Even in that fragile state she made me laugh. When I sat next to her on the bed, she looked at me and said, "I peed there."  She was always so honest about things that would have embarrased other people.

Stephanie passed away on Sunday September 8, 2013 at 5:15pm.

When the realization hit that she was really gone I cried.  I'm still doing it.  I don't cry for her - I am relieved she's not suffering anymore.  I cry for Tyler who lost his love, his wife, and best friend.  I cry for her kids who lost an amazing mother who was soooo proud of them.  I cry out of anger and frustration because it doesn't make sense.  Why would God have given her that illness?  How could God take her?  Why would God take her so young?

I know there is no answer for all that right now.  And I know that there is a master plan at work that no one can see. I know it'll all make more sense in the future, but right now... right now, it sucks.  Right now, I wish God would have chosen a different cup to give her.  I still think if God was trying to teach us a lesson about life and love, there are thousands of other ways He could have done that, aren't there?  Was it only just so we could see God's hand working to clear the way for them during those odd moments of their struggle?  There are definitely a thousand other ways He could have shown us that. I know there's a reason He chose that woman to do it.  I just don't see it.  I don't understand it. But I trust it's there and will be revealed in time.

Tyler asked if I would speak at her memorial.  I am so thankful to him that I got to share my experience and thoughts about her.

I think it was 2006 when I met Stephanie. We met at El Camino College at a cutting table where she was studying Fashion Design and I was studying to become a Costume Tech. During the first few classes I found out she was an experienced seamstress and had an adorable little girl named Izzy. She shared my appreciation of historical and vintage costume, comic book heroines, videogames, and she liked doing math… for fun. Stephanie was a huge nerd, just like me. There was no doubt we had to become friends, even if the only time we had together was during class and lunch.

Then she started dating some guy named Tyler and apparently he hadn’t left her house for two weeks after their first date,… or something crazy.

They played World of Warcraft, while I stuck to Final Fantasy. Though I would never join the Horde or Alliance, I knew she was nerd enough to keep around. Besides,… I still needed someone I could go to for sewing advice.

Stephanie eventually got a full scholarship to FIDM and that confirmed that she really was a genius seamstress… And then she left FIDM… and that’s when I knew she crossed the line of genius and moved right into crazy town. I thought she was absolutely insane to let that free education go, especially with all of her talent! But it was that situation that let me know she was a devoted mother above anything else.

Then, Steph decided to get married. I’m pretty sure I told her weeks before the wedding that she still had time to get her running shoes and run far far away, that marriage was extremely hard work, but she was determined to get hitched. I guess she really liked that Tyler guy after all.

A little while later unique Harley Quinn was born, and then sweet baby Locke. To commit to naming their children after comic book and video game characters - I knew they were great parents and would raise the most awesome little weirdos in the world!

Time evolved, and though, for the most part, life kept us physically apart, we kept in touch via Myspace, then Facebook, and always the random text message. We could always share dark humor and text funny pictures to each other. I continued to use her as my personal sewing encyclopedia, and she’d let me vent to her about my struggles.

          With me, Steph knew how to be fair and forgiving. She was encouraging and open about her life experiences. Stephanie knew how to be brutally honest, but always delivered her point in love with her razor sharp wit.

          When she first told me she had Leukemia I didn’t really understand the magnitude until Tyler explained it at the hospital. Even then, I didn’t fully… get it, but I watched how they pulled together and stayed super-humanly positive. I just knew with all of my heart she was the one through whom I would see a real legitimate God-Blessed miracle; a real miracle along the lines of the deaf hearing and the blind seeing. I knew eventually she would be fully and totally healed and I would get to see that with my own eyes!

          Instead, I witnessed a true and passionate love. She once told me that when she was felt at her worst physically, when her muscles were atrophied and she couldn’t do much for herself… the way Tyler looked at her, the way he touched her, it made her feel like she was the most beautiful, the most desired, woman on the planet. My sister and I saw that look of love first hand during our mini-vacation in Las Vegas. It was… totally gross – I mean, amazing! It was really amazing.

          In Ty and Stephanie, I saw -- I see -- what true disciples and followers of Christ look like and they didn't have to say or preach Jesus' name once. I saw raw and honest faith. Faith that had them clinging to God when everything looked so bleak and they were terrified. Where others would have railed against God, or argued with Him about the injustice of it all, like I did,… they drew that much closer to Him. Instead of losing faith,… theirs grew. And they stayed positive through everything.

I listened to how they fully submitted themselves to the will of the Father. Even when it meant that she was going home.

Stephanie, I miss you. I’m so thankful you were a part of my life.

God took one of the really good ones, but I believe He left us with a great example of how to really grab and appreciate life no matter the circumstances, and how to really love others until we join her and everyone who goes before us.

Thank you.

So, thanks, you guys, for reading this post.  I hadn't really realized how much Stephanie had influenced me until I sat down and wrote about it. 

Also, I finished the Pocahontas costume.  It ended up straightening itself out once the weight of the trim settled in.  Even though I was crying the whole time I was sewing on the trim (thanks, Steph, you're fault.)

Downtown Shabby

It's been over a month since my last post.  I'm so lame.  But I promise it's for good reason.  I've been preoccupied preparing for a spoof musical that happened last night at the NoHo London Music Hall - "Downtown Shabby" as opposed to the PBS hit, "Downton Abbey".

As an adult this is my first musical theatre production. It was different from the normal cabaret/burlesque shows I've done in the sense that I actually had lines to learn this time around (and a line to FORGET! omg) I played Sarah O'Brien, personal maid to the Countess of Grantham, and ginormous gossip monger.

And here are O'Brien's boobies also known as "The Sisters". Weee.

If you know nothing about the show, the first episode begins the day after the Titanic sunk and is set in England. So, because it's set in England we had to learn to speak with English accents.  I learned mine from watching British Youtubers, like the makeup artist 'Pixiwoo' Sisters, and interviews with Henry...

Seriously, I learned a lot from watching his interviews. Especially how he says his "R's". Ah. Aah. Ahh.

(Oh, c'mon,... you knew I had to throw him in here somewhere.)

Anyway, along with learning "9 to 5", "Every Breath you Take" (and mixing up all them rhyming words on stage - breath fake stay take make cake bake shake take face.)  Even when it's perfect when you are singing alone, it all kinda gets jumbled up on stage when heavy nerves are involved), "One Less Bell to Answer", and a couple of other group numbers... add dance choreography and I was pretty much focused on nothing else.  

Nothing else except for sewing this corset:

Ta'daaaaa!

And here's the inside for your viewing pleasure.  I totally did the lining fabric just for me since it was a musical.

I wanted the corset the be multi-functional so I did a basic, and classic, sweetheart shape.  I also wanted a little bit of an edge so I added the front grommets.  For me it represents that little bit of hardness of spirit that O'Brien has. These also serve a different purpose as I can change the ribbon color there to suit my desires. So I can leave it empty and add a whip and leather for the dominatrix look, or a can add a powder puff pink ribbon to soften it up a bit.  

Here is a pic during the middle of the project when I was adding the boning channels.

Because I made this specifically for the stage where I knew I would be dancing and singing, I decided to experiment.  I didn't use the usual spring steel boning all over.  Instead I opted for macrame chord.  It helped with comfort of movement.  I only used the spring steel in the front next to the zipper and along the center back so the fabric and grommets holding the lacing in back wouldn't buckle.

Anyway.  I know you can't believe that I'm SUPER SHY and that taking to the stage is a traumatic experience to my poor nerves everytime.  It is! And yet, I still do it.  What can I say?  I'm a sucker for punishment. 

I'm thankful to my husband, family, and friends for supporting me with these things.  I'm so thankful to CatrinaQ for letting me do these shows with her.  It's fun doing these shows with friends and making new ones in the process.  It really is why they call these things "Plays".       

P.S. The afterglow of the show apparently is Oompa Loompa orange, but hey.... I'm smiling!

No Sewing, Just drawing

I think I mentioned last entry that I was commissioned to do a some cartoony drawings.  My customer-friend is in England and asked via the Facebook if I could do it for her.  Secretly THRILLED, I cooly responded, "Lemme work on something for you".  Ok, maybe I wasn't so cool. 

I've been sketching monsters, witches, dreamy vampire loverboys, cats. I even did a study of crossbows 'cause I didn't know what they looked like. I'm glad I did that - pretty sure the boy would not want to be found to be killing zombies with a cupid's bow, like a newb.

Here. Have the first monster that I drew, who is not included in the picture.

Now, about 2 weeks later, I have two awesome 11x14 inked drawings that need to be colored in.

I did my 'character' studies in my 8x10 sketchbook.  (Which, by the way, I drew Superman in it so everytime I open my sketchbook I am greeted with his beautiful face and a "Hey girl, hey."  Yeah.  I'm obsessed. Whatever.)  My 'character' studies are just quick sketches that I did of the kids from many photos to get an idea of their face shapes, distinct features, their expressions - just their general presense.  So I have a couple of pages filled with heads of these same kids. And monsters.  And cats. And crossbows.

I need more Superman. Hmmm. I'm not doing anything today and everyone is at Comicon - the bastards. Maybe I'll take myself to the movies and visit Mr. Cavill.  Hmmm. Perhaps.

This time I tried a new method. I have broken down larger pieces of work into small sections so that if I screw up I can fix and alter without ruining the whole picture.  Once I'm satisfied, I move everything onto the larger bristol sheet using my lightbox. (I LOVE BRISTOL PAPER, so wonderful.)   I am 100% happy with how the pictures have turned out so far.  I wish I could keep them black and white, however, I was asked for full color.  So that's what I'm going to do.

It's always the coloring part that really scares me though.  You do all this work, perfecting, inking, and then... you add color.  Color isn't forgiving.  Inking isn't forgiving either, but at least you can sometimes fix it with color. Color is FINAL.  I guess it's that finality which scares me.  There are no fixes once color is down, unless you start all over again.  And starting all over again means time lost.

Oh, you're probably wondering why I am freaking.  It's because this is completely old school art style.  All by hand.  Old school.  None of this digital magic, no clicky of the button erasies.

I've decided to fill it with Prismacolor pencils instead of watercolor paint or my new markers.  I love watercolor, but I use that for fairies.  And I'm not 100% comfortable with my markers yet, though I am positive they would have looked amazing.  I just don't wanna mess it up with an amateur marker hand. Besides Prismacolor pencils are a wonderful medium.  You can get really beautiful blends when you build up with them as they are oil based.  I'm excited that I'll finally be opening my new tin of pencils, too.  I've been on a roll with them as I was illustrating that little story I am writing. 

It's a tale for another day, but I have been writing a story that won't go away. I'm finally writing the book that I want to read.

Anyway, should I get permission to share the final drawing with you from my friend.  I will do so.

Have a wonderful day - - weekend, whatever you are doing.  As for me, I think I will visit my sketchbook.

I Made a #^@&%*! Hat

UGH.  Why is it after 9pm and still ninety-eight-thousand degrees?  Better yet, why was it a billion degrees today and someone decide to "save energy" and not turn on the central air?  Not even for an hour.  Don't look at me - I would have had this house at a comfortable temperature.

First world problems... I swear.

Well, along with me HATING the summer, I am certain my sewing muse ran away for cooler temperatures and left her dim-witted, one-armed, cock-eyed half sister in her stead.  At least that's what it felt like every single time I went to try and sew.

At first I thought I was going to do something simple; something to get me back into the groove of things, something easy like a floppy, summer-y, fisherman-y hat.  I even picked cute-ish fabric because I wasn't sure I was actually going to keep this thing for myself.  So, skulls and pink bows, what could be worse than that?  ("SUMMER TIME" my inner whiner yells.  STFU! We don't want to hear about it now, You.)

See, it ain't so bad.  Right?

WRONG!!  The damned thing was a freaking nightmare.  I told you my Sewing Muse upped and left me with that impostor.  The pattern wasn't fitting together (or I just wasn't sewing it right).  The crown fabric is pinched 'cause there was too much on top and the side band of the hat was WAY too tall.  It freaking looks like a top hat at the right angle.  &*^$@*^$*@&%!#^&^!!!

(I hate Summer.  Give me back my rain and winter!)

Can you see I am unimpressed with my new hat?

Well, I am.  Unimpressed.  Totally unimpressed and don't know what the hell to think besides "I HATE IT!!!"  And totally on the outs with my sewing muse for running off on me.  However, I am tempted to have another go at this hat.  Maybe with the right weather and a different fabric.  Maybe if my Sewing Muse ever comes back.  Maybe after we have the huge fight that's building up in my head.  Maybe after she apologizes... and repents!

Good thing my old friend, Hot Hand, snuck back into my life.  I have been drawing like a fiend.  I have been sketching and coloring and getting back into the groove of this art thing since Sewing Muse has been away.  (What should we call that wench, anyway?)  I have been drawing for at least an hour or more everyday lately.  Mostly quick sketches and movement drawings, just to get the feel of the pencil again, but it's getting better.

Here's a quick sketch of a picture I want to eventually paint with my oils.  (Yep, that's the bride.  Nope, no real pictures yet.  I was told they would be here in the next couple of weeks.)

Even better news - I was asked to do a couple of cartoony drawings for a friend of mine who lives 'Across the Pond.'  I'm still working out all the details and layouts for those.  It's such a cool challenge and I'm happy to do it.

If you know me... You know I do NOT do zombies. I don't like to see them, hear them, think about them, read about them. Zombies? NO! Do not want.  However, I have been drawing zombies.  (Only a friend and the delirium from this miserable heat could get me drawing zombies.)  Well, they aren't exactly the decaying monsters that I fear, these are more. . . . well. . . . sorta like . . . if Disney had a baby with Skeleton monsters.  Yeah.

Ok. I just hit the wall.  My brain just died.  I think that's enough of an update for now.

The heat has drained me.

I perish.

Muse not Present? Need a Distraction? Answer: Henry Cavill.

I wanted to be more regular with this thing with weekly posts with progress on garments, but I haven't been doing much sewing lately.  I've tried, but have been completely... uninspired.  It's almost like my sewing muse is depressed, on vacation, eloped, or something.  It's not for lack of ideas or fabrics because I have shelves of fabric and sketches upon sketches of things that I would eventually like to do.  But sewing?  Even corset construction (which is my heart) it just... It's not something that I'm finding much joy in.  It's just not been clicking.  And I know you have to push through the depression to get going, to get that momentum back.  I've started playing with design lines on Selena.  However, nothing is keeping up the momentum for me.  It's just not clicking.  There is no chemistry.

(Lines on Selena.  Trying to imagine the Inquisitor's Wife Dress)

I was asked to sew my husband a pair of cargo shorts, but the pattern I have is missing the ENTIRE front piece.  I don't think he would like it if I only sewed him pants that would cover just his butt.  Nobody wants to see that.

I know you are saying, "Just make your own pattern!"  Yeah, um, the only problem with that is that I've never sewn a fly zipper so I wouldn't know how to even start to fix a piece for the front pattern.

What's more?  I haven't even picked up a book lately.  I haven't read anything in about 2 weeks.  After the Inquisitor's Wife I read The Great Gatsby.  And,... meh.  I guess I'm not as big a book worm as I thought I was.  Maybe I should reread one of my favorite romance novels, see if it'll get my blood going again.  See, even just thinking about reading something I love and that little voice just said, "Meh."

Perhaps my brain is just taking a break from all this sewing and reading business.

I can't say that I'm depressed, because I don't think I am.  I'm not totally uninterested in everything like I normally get when I am depressed.  I've just been putting my energies elsewhere.  I've been writing a lot.  I've been bothered by a couple of stories that are fluttering around in my head so I've been recording the voices.  We'll see if any of them decide they actually want their whole story to be written and in what format.  One of them sounds like a novel and the other sounds like a screenplay.  I'm actually thankful that I took the Screenwriting class with Kim Krizan (author of Original Sins: Trade secrets of the Femme Fatale. <3 Great book and she's an amazing woman.)  I feel like if those voices decide they want a script... They'll get a script.  They just aren't screaming loud or clear enough right now.  I only hear their voices.  I don't know who they are or, really, what their point is.

I've also been drawing, a lot.  So it's not like I haven't been creative, I've just been practicing my creative skills elsewhere. I bought a couple sets of these Letraset Pro-Markers.  They are an interesting medium to use. It's the first time that I've ever really used markers seriously for anything.  I've done a few fashion sketches with them and I actually really LOVE the way it comes out.

(A sketch I've done of the dress I'll eventually make.  Maybe wear it for RenFaire or something.  I know her left arm is deformed short.)

What else?  I think I want to learn how to paint portraits with oil, but all the classes that I've seen in the area I'm unable to attend because of the time slots.  I'm usually working the hours they are available.  I have tried teaching myself in the past, but I wasn't successful.  I think I need to learn the basics from someone else.  I'm just not sure where to start, you know?  Maybe I'll just try again on my own.

Oh, another thing.  I saw Man of Steel.  Loved it.  Why, Yes, I'll be obvious, Superman is hawt!  He has been since I first saw him played by Christopher Reeve.  Man of Steel? I really enjoyed all the sci-fi, even if it at times totally reminded me of the Matrix. (Like the part near the end when Supes was dealing with that thing over the ocean. Totally Matrix look, but I didn't mind it.  The Matrix is one of my favorite movies.) The whole thing was definitely NOT what I expected, but I am glad they did it that way.  I've also been watching a lot of The Tudors on Netflix.  Husband knows my boyfriend is Henry Cavill.  (He's secretly been my bf since he was a boy in The Count of Monte Cristo, but shh.  Tell no one.)

(See? Handsome.)

 
Anyway, enjoy that eye candy for now.  We'll see what happens this week.  I might get back to sewing.

Ok, you can stop staring now.

Relax....

I haven't yet gotten good photos of Marilyn, so a post of that is still pending.

In the mean time I've been keeping myself busy sewing some lounge wear; and reading,.. a lot.  The garment I made is something that I plan on relaxing around the house in, when going to hang out at a pool, or even hanging out at the coffee shop on these beautiful summer nights.  It's a strapless jumpsuit.  I know!  WTF?  Right? I know.  I know you are thinking like 1970s disco diva jumpsuit, but it's not. I promise.  It's comfortable and it has pockets!!!

I got the fabric downtown months ago.  Again, I got it for like $5 or something awesome. I was planning on making some harem pants.  Don't worry-- not the saggy dirty diaper MC Hammer looking pants that came in style last year.  I'm talking Disney Princess Jasmine style, or pretty yoga pants type things.  This fabric is kinda see through in sunlight, but it's not THAT sheer. It's a very soft dark teal knit jersey.  When I say comfortable I mean, I NEVER want to change out of it, but that would be gross... so I do change.

I made it using and altering McCalls M6083 pattern.  I always have to add like 4 inches because I'm pretty long in the torso and my legs are about 2 inches longer than most patterns.  I refuse to sew myself high waters, so I adjust accordingly.

As it was in progress...

BAM!!! 

I guess I should start off with the mistakes. I should have added about 1.5 - 2 inches length to the waist.  I'm not 100% happy where it sits at my waist, but if I make something like these again in the future I'll know to add more.

Second, I accidentally cut one of the leg fronts on the wrong direction or the fabric, so if you look closely on one side the weave is going horizontal, the other the weave is vertical. Meh. It's comfortable.  It's meant to just hang out in and I made it for myself.  I don't care what my inner critic says.  I take it as a lesson learned:  Always check the fabric before cutting.

I also should have probably used a short zigzag stitch because the threads have popped and broke when I accidentally caught the hem on my toe.  A believe a zigzag stitch would allow for a bit of ease with this stretchy fabric.

Hooray for awkward self photos.

To be honest this is only the 2nd time that I've sewn with this kind of soft knit fabric.  The last time was 5 years ago -- or whenever it was that I was in school.  (Huh... I just realized I made the same mistake in cutting back then too... Ah well, next time I will remember to cut correctly.)

. . . I also just checked the date on my Costume Tech Certificate:  2008.  So, I guess I am still kinda new to this sewing thing.  Still a few years under 10 years actual experience.

Now books:

If you are in interested, I read my favorite book in the whole wide world, The Queen's Fool by Philippa Gregory, for like the 9th time and I cried at the same spot I cry at every single time I read it.  Yeah, my husband thought something was really wrong because I was sobbing like a child.  When he realized that I was crying over a book he started to laugh (and apologize) from his unbelief.  He really couldn't believe that I was so heart-broken, so moved to tears by it.  Damn you pages 370 and 371.  Yeah, I know it's coming every single time I read it, but every single time I am affected the same.  Every morning after I wake up with swollen tear filled eyes.  I'm thinking maybe it's because I am so invested and can so deeply relate to the protagonist.

I then read The Inquisitor's Wife by Jeanne Kalogridis in 2 days!  I did not want to put that book down.  The only reason I did was because I needed to sleep.  I absolutely loved the setting.  It was so rich, so tangible.  It made me want to trace my roots 'cause I know they go back to Spain somewhere.  (That's another project for the future.)

Next I'll be traveling to the 1920s through The Great Gatsby.  I don't plan on seeing the movie in theaters.

I'm mentioning The Inquisitor's Wife again because I fell in love with the cover.  I should say I fell in love with the dress on the cover, so.... it's possible I may be making myself a costume in the near future, just like I did with Vicki Pettersson's Celestial Blues books.

See, don't you love it too?  

I totally judged this book by it's cover and I'm glad I did.

After Marilyn, a UFO

So, you think you know what a UFO is?  What's that you say? It's an "Unidentified Flying Object"?

*BUZZ!!!!*  Nope.  Sorry.  You are incorrect.

In the world of this seamstress a UFO is an UnFinished Outfit.  That's what I have for you today.  Though I suppose a single shirt doesn't technically count as an outfit.  Meh.  Whatever.  Point is, I finished something that had been sitting untouched for many months.

I started it before I got the task of Marilyn, but had to hang it aside once I got charged to make the wedding dress.  So yeah, it definitely was a good number of months before I got my hands on it again. 

While I was making Marilyn I would look over every once in a while and see this guy, but I felt guilty because I could never really focus.  It had been sitting for months without a collar and buttons.  How hard is it to add buttons and a collar?  Very hard when you aren't sure that you cut the collar right.

When I started this blouse I didn't know that I would eventually start this blog so I didn't take pictures of the early process.  I couldn't figure if I wanted white, clear, or pink buttons.  Obviously the best choice was white.  The fabric is just a soft cotton woven that I got from downtown for something like $5.  I totally need to go back and feed my fabric addiction.  No, I don't. Yes, I do. No, I don't. Yes, we do.  Yes, we do.  Yes, We do.

YES, WE DO.

This pattern came from McCalls #6035.  However, I had to do some heavy manipulating of the pattern to make it to my liking.  I wanted it to be longer and a little more loose around the high hips so I wouldn't feel constricted.  I fell in love with the idea of the mandarin collar, but I wasn't sure it would fit once I cut it.  I like the collar ok.  I think I would like this style better with a different pattern.

I do believe sometimes if you are stuck on a problem, put it aside and work on something else.  our brains are amazing things that work out all sorts of situations in our subconscience.  Sometimes is does take a few months for solutions to incubate on the back burner of our minds, at least that's the truth for me. 

If you are ever stuck on a problem give your brain a rest.  You might be right on top of the solution, but can't see it cause your face is so close.  Sometimes you just need to step back, step away, and look at something else.  Often times when you go back with fresh eyes you'll see the solution immediately, et voila, your problem is quickly, if not, easily solved.

And when you are done, then you can thank the heavenly beings for poking your brain and injecting that wonderful solution while you weren't looking.

Surrogate Mother

It's been a whirlwind couple of weeks as I've been finishing up all of the last minute things that come when a wedding is around the corner.  Things like getting nice and toasty with wine at a bachelorette party.  Getting so toasty that I was apparently really enjoying cutting out paper penises with a pair of tiny cuticle scissors for a game. (What is the plural for penis anyway?  Penuses? Penii?)  I was so toasty that I put on my baby sister's straw fedora-thing hat and started singing to myself... Baby sister recorded these performances!!! No, you will NOT get to see any of the incriminating evidence! (Unless, of course, I get a copy.  Then maybe.)

This past weekend we had the Jack'n'Jill bridal shower.  I'm pretty sure I was the only one who danced the entire time.  I had two beers, glass of white wine, Muscato, and some champagne.  ("CHAMPAGNE!") But I'm not writing this to confess my drunkenness to you.

I came here to talk about how I felt upon finishing Marilyn.  On Tuesday, May 14th, I felt like this:

*Kermit Flail* Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

I had completed every stitch.  Or so I thought.

When I was taking her to be delivered I remembered that I forgot to put the hooks on for the bustle.  My mother sacrificed a bra so I could get some white hooks.  Without my Ma (Pronounced, MAH! not Maw) I would have made a grave error in the finishing of this dress using silver hooks instead of white.  Ma saved me and a double bustle ended up happening on the skirt.

I also decided to go ahead and glue the swarovski crystals on. I'm glad I made that decision:

See swarovski. Pretty bling.

So, anyway,  I was sitting alone in my old bedroom.  It was the room that my sister, the bride, moved into when I got hitched.  I sat at the end of my sister's old bed working on the final stitches, snipping off loose threads.  I dunno... I just... Out of nowhere I started to feel this strange sort of melancholy.

I've dealt with clinical depression, but this, this was a really unfamiliar emotion.  Which is why I suspect I got a taste of what a surrogate mother may feel in that last hour of labor when they are giving birth to someone else's child. I knew from the start she was never going to be mine and I was totally ok with that - I have my own wedding dress, thankyouverymuch.  It was the impending loss, I think, but a good loss.

I worked closely with the bride creating the concept for the dress.  I felt elation when she tried on the third style mock-up for the first time and it was right. I'm sure it was same kind of happy feeling women who are trying to conceive feel when the pregnancy test turns up positive.  I felt the fear of losing the dress in those early stages when I had to perform that emergency surgery when I burned her (see: http://themagicgarment.blogspot.com/2013/04/what-do-rocky-and-goddess-kali-have-in.html ). So yeah, like pregnant women who feel a bond with their babies, I did feel a certain kind of attachment to this gown.

I've had attachments to clothes before, but this was special.  Maybe because it was the first (and for the record: ONLY) wedding dress I've made.  Maybe it was because it was for my sister and I needed it to be perfect.

Whatever the case, I was having a bittersweet moment in that bedroom.  She came in and we did the final dress fitting.  (Side note: How do you forget to put the veil on with the dress?  I dunno, but we did. HAH!)

When the final crystal was glued on she was swaddled in a garment bag, whisked away from my arms, and disappeared from my sight.  Yeah, I was definitely having a surrogate mother moment.

However, that was forgotten for a little while as I raided my mother's fridge for bridal party leftovers.  I ended up bringing home a big tray of white rice, smoked chicken, a tray of lasagna, black beans, cheese, chips, and about two dozen sodas.  Ah, Food, The Great Pacifier.

When I got home last night the finality of the loss didn't hit until I walked into the sewing room to put something away.

The purple dress form was bare.

The excited buzz that hung around Marilyn was gone.

The room was quiet.

At that moment waves and waves of emotion hit me.  There was the hint of sadness.  But above all there was abundant joy because I am confident the bride will look lovely on her wedding day.  My work there is complete.  I am content.  I will post complete pictures of Marilyn and the bride once I get pictures when they return from the wedding and honeymoon.

"What now?" you ask.

Now, I prepare myself for all the future projects.  My sewing and art room at wide open for whatever I want.  Corsets, corsets, more corsets, painting, a super sekret spechul project, more corsets, more canvas paintings, a dress for me, and maybe something for someone else.  I said MAYBE something for someone else.  I'll get a glass of muscato and think about it.

Right now,  I think I want to be selfish and make something for me...

Corsets and Fishnets and Singing, Oh My!!!

You'll have to forgive me.  I wanted to update you about the wedding dress. I know you are sitting at the edge of your seat waiting for news about how it's turned out.... Alas, you'll have to wait a little longer.

In the mean time I'm gonna tell you about how I stripped down into a corset, fishnets, pahntees, and broke out into song with 8 other girls.

Friday night I performed at the NoHo London Music Hall in North Hollywood for a production.  If Cabaret and Burlesque got together and had a baby they would have a Caburlesque baby.  This little show, called Spring Fling, was the brain child of CatrinaQ.

I'm going to post this now, but I will be back to add to this entry... probably tomorrow.
..........................................................................................................

Ok...so.... "probably tomorrow" ended up being a week later.  Oops!

Sorry,  I've been busy attending to Marilyn and other wedding preparations, also Life.  So, I'm going to keep this semi-short.

I was excited for months about performing in this caburlesque show in a birthday celebration of my girl friends, Catrina (and Dionna),... and about a dozen other audience members who shared the April birthday month. I was prepared, I rehearsed, but hot dang I was NERVOUS this show!  I don't know what the heck.  This was the 2nd this-type-of-show I performed in, so I was really baffled by the nerves.  I'm still trying to figure it out.  I'm still trying to shake off the inner critic too!  Yeah, I'm still picking apart everything I could have done better (because I'm a freak.)

Eva made her stage debut. I sang "Can't Take That Away From Me". (Don't ask about the weird hand. hahaha.)

I sang "Bessame Mucho", completely in Spanish.  (This is the song I'm kicking myself over.  UGH!  I really need to stop.  I'm so freaking mental.)
I was part of a trio to "Somebody I used to know".  That was really fun to do.

And the group number at the end of the night was called "Bunny Love" done to the song "Jungle Love".  OH MAN, THAT was amazing. (Though this bunny is not impressed. haha so awkward.)

Doing these shows are so fun to me.  I love the experience backstage.  I love seeing the girls prep and primp to get ready for the stage.  I love snacking on beef jerky and strawberries and sparkling wine.... CHAMPAGNE!!!

Next post will be getting back to Marilyn as I'm completing the final details this week.  Right on time!  Just like I planned.

In the Middle of Creating: Marilyn

I almost settled on calling the wedding dress Madisson after the mermaid in Splash.  I also received great name suggestions from Facebook friends, but the bride spoke and named her Marilyn. She said it's because the silhouette reminds her of when Marilyn Monroe performs "Diamonds Are a Girls Best Friend" in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, and because she is sassy and well-loved.

I suppose Marilyn is fitting.  After all it is a white dress Marilyn is wearing in that iconic scene from 7-Year Itch, right?  And from what I understand Marilyn (and, well, every single female on the planet, I'm sure) battled some insecurities during her life. . . or maybe I'm just projecting.  Yeah, I'm probably just projecting.

At times I'm really afraid this dress is going to be terrible, an utter failure.  Other times I can't believe how beautiful it is and is showing it's going to be.  Then I flop back into the worry of if it will be good enough.  Even with all the very awesome and wonderful friends/cheerleaders that have rallied and rooted me on (yeah, you, all you reading this), at the end of it all it is me that has to overcome those feelings.  No matter how hard my friends, husband, the bride, my mother cheer me on I am the one who has to believe it and act on that belief.

Here's the thing, the really frustrating thing:  No one ever told me that I couldn't sew or that my skills were shitty and worse than amateur.  No one ever told me I "couldn't".  Nobody.  In fact through all of my training I never got less than and A on any of my projects.  I received praise after praise.  I got straight A's in all of my clothing/fashion classes and received high honors!  So these insecurities, these doubts, they come from inside me alone.  They are all manifestations from inside my own head.

I've realized for many many years that, just as everyone else has to do in their own lives, I am the one who will need to make use of that encouragment.  I am the one who has to use that to move ahead and over those doubts, insecurities, and occasional depression.  I can only hope I can offer my own encouragement to you guys when you need it, too.

And so without further ado - have some pictures:

To be equipped for success, not only do you need positive people around you (or communicating with you via the internet), you need a plan.  This is my plan complete with technical terms such as "boobie fluff" (I'm looking at you, T, hah.)  As of today about half of these boxes have been checked off:

 

 

You also equip yourself with whatever helps you focus.  For me it happens to be drinking tea out of a vampire mug and finding encouraging or spurring scriptures next to the sewing machine.  Sometimes it's simply white-knuckled prayer.  I'm not a very good spiritual or religious person anymore so... well, whatever... here:

 

Next, you do what you love, with love, and it comes out best:

However.... Shhhh!  Don't tell anyone!!! Even if you make a minor mistake while doing what you love, you press on.

You press on.  Literally.  With an iron.  So the fabric takes shape.

And for Christ's sake, don't be afraid of stuff you've never dealt with 'cause it might actually not be so bad. You may be given all the tools and help you need... and sometimes miracles happen.  I was so afraid tulle (AKA: The Devil's Fabric) was going to be HELL but it's actually not that bad.  It's probably one of the easier things to sew actually.  I found the airy and fluffy shape it took to be... good for my mental.  (I think I actually want to make some little girl ballerina tutus when this is all done. I got 40 yards of this stuff!!)

And remember: In any challenge there might be cuts, scrapes, bruises.  Sometimes even blood.  I stabbed myself with the seam ripper.  It was one of those pinches "ow."  Until I realized the damned thing was stuck in my thumb!! Then it became "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!  OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"  My thumb is still a little sore.  But anyway...

Marilyn laughed at me. 

She has this wonderful tinkling laugh and finds my exaggerations hilarious. She's patient and sits in her chair or lays on the table while I work frantically around prepping and primping her.  She's observant and those couple of times that I have put her on the dress form she totally comes alive!  My camera flashes, she smiles.  She knows how to charm, to tease, to sass.  She knows how to give enough hope that is is going to turn out perfect.  She reminds me that I just need to take a breath and continue to handle her with care.  It's all going to work out.

At the end of the day she kisses me goodnight and tells me, "Doll, tomorrow is going to be wonderful."  I have to believe her.  It is wonderful.  Those insecurities? Paper tigers.  And when I turn and find this little stalker, I know... all is well in my world:

What Do Rocky and the Goddess Kali Have in Common?

Answer: Nothing really.  They are just both in this blog post.

This travesty happened in my sewing room on Monday evening:

Yes, that is a hole.  Yes, that is the final wedding dress front and center.  Yes, I asked God to strike me dead.

Mistake #1:  I forgot to use my ironing cloth.
Mistake #2:  I didn't check to make sure the iron was clean of any leftover starch or any other suspicious things.  Because of this great mistake the cloth got stuck and burned.
Mistake #3:  The iron was set too high.

There is nothing like that sinking feeling you get when you realize something very very bad has happened.  I thought I was going to pass out.  My knees got weak.  I felt like I was going to be sick.  The tremors took over and my hands wouldn't stop shaking.  (Even now revisiting this memory I feel sick.)  I was surprised that I didn't cry.  Well, I didn't cry at first.  I rushed to the scrap pile and luckily I had a little to replace the front panels.  I sat down and took a deep breath.

Then the tears came.

They were tears of frustration, of self-doubt.  Every single damned inner critic spoke up immediately.  How could you be so dumb?  You just set yourself back how far?  How are you going to fix this?  This is impossible. This is never going to work out how you planned.  This is going to be terrible.  You're a terrible seamstress.  This will never work.  You can't.  You can't.  You can't -- I was starting to spiral into that freefall.  The doubt, the negativity, was going to eat me alive.

I stood up, took another deep breath, cracked my neck, moved the ironing board to the opposite side of the room, and then took out my personal never-been-used-by-anyone-else-but-me iron.  This iron is smaller, but it does the job.  I never used anything but distilled water in it, no starch, nothing like that so I know it was clean. (Plus I double checked.)

Things needed to change.  Mentally and physically.

I found this gem and played it while I got back into the fight.  I'm so not kidding.  Shut up.

Yesterday morning I woke up with a positive mindset and this song in my head:

Last night I was able to work away, repair, and get this:

Yeah, the Wedding Dress will not defeat me.  This is not going to be like Rocky where he loses the fight, but wins the girl at the end.  This is going to be better.  This is going to be the stuff that myths are made out of.

This is going to be like me becoming the Goddess Kali and destroying and drinking the blood of all the mental demons that have attempted to murder my confidence.  If I need to I will grow 10 arms and defeat anything in my path.  I will become this:

I'm was pretty pissed off at myself and more determined than ever to overcome these stupid self-made obstacles.

Today,... today was a roller coaster of self-doubt.  I was up then down, then back up, and around lunch time I took a nose dive, but I knew all of this is just in my head.  I knew I had to pull myself together.  I cannot afford to give up.  I refuse to let anyone down.

I refuse to quit.

I'll fight until I'm blue in the face or maybe green... 'cause in the end I'm totally gonna be like Kermit:

48% Complete and Book Boyfriends

At the moment I am approximately 48% done with the dress.  Doesn't seem much progress, but it's a lot.  Once I get over the terrifying thing called tulle (the stuff ballerina tutus are made of, AKA: The Devil's Fabric) it'll be pretty much just a matter of getting the layers sewn together, the hem finished the trim and swarovski crystals added - by hand. Holy sweet baby Jesus, I have a lot to do! 

I will have it done by May.  I will have it done by May.  I will have it done by May.  I will have it done by May. I will have it done by May.  I will have it done by May.  I will have it done by May.

Here's a bit of what I have completed right now.  This is just a portion of the innards/lining.

I'm totally feeling anxiety right now. I had to take a break because I kept messing up the stitch and the seam allowance.  I had to put the damned thing down because I don't want to make an irrepairable mistake, you know?  I was near tears, but if Ava taught me anything it was to walk away and catch my breath, so I have decided to come update you since I don't really have a book boyfriend to run to.

Speaking of book boyfriends- today I purchased Once Burned by Jeaniene Frost for my Kindle.  It's on sale for $1.99 if you are interested.  I have never read anything by Jeaniene, but I've heard some good things about this one so... we'll see if Vlad here is gonna become a book boyfriend.  Hopefully I'll enjoy it.  Dude on the cover looks intense.  O_O. 

I'll always love Philippa Gregory's Robert from The Queen's Fool.  He will always make my brain heart go a pitter-patt through young Hannah's eyes. Oh Robert, you devil.

I have fond memories of Hunter from Vicki Pettersson's Zodiac Series.  I do recall a lot of girls wanting to lick him. Yep, I was among them.  Hunter broke my heart something bad, but when I looked further into his background and stayed patient I found out there was a reason for everything and in the end it was better.  I will always remember those honey eyes.

There's also Vicki's Grif from the Celestial Blues series, but I'm still heartbroke so I don't wanna talk about him right now.  I can't WAIT until the final book of CB comes out!

Martin Le Loup was, as Flavor Flav would say, "Soooooooo Dramatical" but I LOVED him.  I think I met him when he was a teenager in Susan Carroll's The Silver Rose. This is, I believe the 3rd book in the Dark Queen series.  Honestly, I think all of these books have amazing guys, but Martin stood out with his reactions.  I loved seeing him in the later books again matured into a man, a father.  I think that one is called The Huntress.  I'm totally going to need to revisit all those boys again.

Oh My Gosh!  How could I almost forget the vampires?  There's Stephen from Jeannie Holmes' Blood Law and Blood Secrets.  He's a minor character, but he had me when I first saw him wanting to kick Varik's ass.  I love overprotective big brothers.

And then there is Alfonso Serrano, the bad boy gone good in Laurie London's Embraced by Blood of the Sweet Blood Series. I loved him when he was a villain in the first book Bonded By Blood, but I always knew there was more to him.  Then I found out his ex was a sweet blood and he was basically forced to kill her. Her name was Jessica.  *Cue dramatic music*. . .  My name is Jessica. O_O

Anyway, that is all.  I think I'm ready to go back and try to sew again.

Who are some of your favorite book boyfriends?

Have You Ever Been in a Coma?

When I was in college and had a paper due I would always have an emotional breakdown. It never failed.  I would sit down at my computer, stare at the blank screen, and then start to bawl my eyes out.  Even if I was prepared with some handwritten work or an outline, I would always cry.  It was mental, all self imposed pressure.

Funny thing is I almost always got a return grade of A. One time I got a B, but that teacher was super hard!  She expected the very best from us and I wanted to give that.  At least she loved the Frankenstein picture I submitted with the paper.

This past week I felt a similar pressure with the making of this Wedding Dress, only I havent cried. Instead for a few days my mind completely shut down. My creativity had fallen into a coma. For days I would walk into my sewing room, look at all the pattern pieces, wonder what I had to do next, draw a blank, then walk out. I would try every hour or so, but nothing.  My brain wouldn't respond.

Finally, I heard my muse and the voices quietly chatting, nursing the incubation of the dress construction process.   I got very silent.  I had to know what they were saying. I wrote out the "to do" list of what they were working out in my head.  Using that helped me jump back in and chug along to get (sort of) back on track. I'm still about 1 week behind where I wanted to be, but that still puts me ahead 3 weeks ahead of the 'due date'.

When I draw a blank on creativity I allow things like this to happen (HAHA!):

I suspect now that I am older part of my process for overcoming any sort of creative coma is cleaning.  Either that or I just haven't reached the breaking point of crying.

It's weird.  I have a lot of work ahead of me. I feel the 100% anxiety at the same time that I feel the 100% confidence that I will complete this dress when I want and how I want. Even with all of life's distractions.

I am shooting for an A.  So I'm going to end this post here and get to work!  Here's to hoping I don't run into another wall..

If you've ever been in a creative coma, writers block, whatever you wanna call your stump, what do you do to get through it?

Vegas

So, as you know I went to Vegas last Thursday/Friday.  It was probably the most calm and quiet vacations I've had there.  It was a road trip with my sister, the soon-to-be bride.  We also met up with Stephanie and Tyler.  I'm ... I don't have much to say. 

My brain is preoccupied with wedding dress and Steph.  If you read my last post about the Perry Dress you know Steph has a really aggressive Leukemia.  I found out today that the last chemo failed again so she's going back to the hospital on Thursday.  In her words, "This cancer blows."  Yes, it does.  Please send up your prayers and/or your financial aid for her and her family.

Here. Pictures.  I don't want this to be depressing:

Me and Melissa leaving for the trip Thursday morning.  Ella parece como un viejito:

We are acting fools on the way to the signing.  Her eyelash was trying to come off so she had me put eyelash glue directly on her eye.... in the car... that was a mistake.  You can't see it here, but it glopped out, ran down her eye, and got everywhere. She's a good sport, even though I got yelled at. Hey, man, don't ask me to put eyelash glue on your eye in a stopped car.  It makes me nervous. (Is she making fun of my crooked smile?)

Ty, Steph, and Me bringing a piece of the rockabilly element to the book signing (yay, awkward poses!):

 

Me being a clown with my sister:

Melissa and me, channeling the bitchiness of Ava (woah, eyebrows):

Me about to eat Vicki's cake from Showboys. Omnomnomnom (I totally look like a trouble maker.  Oh wait.  I AM.):

Me posing taking a picture of Vicki and the girl's at the coffee klatch (while she was taking a picture of me taking a picture of her):

I got to read with Vicki.  Yay!  I read Kit's part and Vicki read Grif's.  This woman is rad.  If you only read one book of Ms. Petterson's pick up The Lost. For serious. First picture: my eyes are creepy, non?  Like when Scratch shows up. (Read The Lost for that reference.) Second picture: I took off my shoe so I wouldn't tower over her. Muahaha.

After the reading the bookstore peeps directed us to this all you can eat sushi place just off the strip.  It was delish!  I think the name was Kaya (?) off Spring Mountain er Mountain Spring (?) Road. I learned a little more about Steph's stupid Leukemia.  I really hate it.  However, we laughed hard with all the randomness that happened throughout the night.  Things like me sticking out my belly on the escalator in the pink dress (so sexy, I know) and saying, "I want to take off ALL my clothes".  From us being pinballs at the elevator.  It took us about 5 minutes to NOT get on an elevator.  About 10 times a different elevator door opened up in front of us, but we passed because it was either the wrong elevator, it was too full, or our little group wasn't together.  Ty stood at one escalator the entire time watching us and finally said, "This must be like what it is to herd stupid sheep." Hah.  We went to Gilly's inside Treasure Island and watched the 'cowboys' ride the mechanical bull.  I gave $20 to the slot machines, so that was fun.

Friday morning we went to an antique mall.  You know your brain is affected by books when you can imagine the things you would buy if you were doing the costumes for the movie.  It was weird sifting through the clothes and knowing this is what each character would wear.  Thinking "This would be in that scene. These shoes would be perfect for that look."  I could have spent HOURS in there.  We were in there for an hour and a half, but that was with us rushing through.  It was HUGE.

I also witnessed my sister having a wonderful flashback moment.  She put on this used glove and her body language and face just changed. . . . it was like she touched something from her youth.  I couldn't catch the spirit of the moment in the photos, but trust me, it was powerful.

Anyway, that is all for now. Hope you enjoyed.