Corsets and Fishnets and Singing, Oh My!!!

You'll have to forgive me.  I wanted to update you about the wedding dress. I know you are sitting at the edge of your seat waiting for news about how it's turned out.... Alas, you'll have to wait a little longer.

In the mean time I'm gonna tell you about how I stripped down into a corset, fishnets, pahntees, and broke out into song with 8 other girls.

Friday night I performed at the NoHo London Music Hall in North Hollywood for a production.  If Cabaret and Burlesque got together and had a baby they would have a Caburlesque baby.  This little show, called Spring Fling, was the brain child of CatrinaQ.

I'm going to post this now, but I will be back to add to this entry... probably tomorrow.
..........................................................................................................

Ok...so.... "probably tomorrow" ended up being a week later.  Oops!

Sorry,  I've been busy attending to Marilyn and other wedding preparations, also Life.  So, I'm going to keep this semi-short.

I was excited for months about performing in this caburlesque show in a birthday celebration of my girl friends, Catrina (and Dionna),... and about a dozen other audience members who shared the April birthday month. I was prepared, I rehearsed, but hot dang I was NERVOUS this show!  I don't know what the heck.  This was the 2nd this-type-of-show I performed in, so I was really baffled by the nerves.  I'm still trying to figure it out.  I'm still trying to shake off the inner critic too!  Yeah, I'm still picking apart everything I could have done better (because I'm a freak.)

Eva made her stage debut. I sang "Can't Take That Away From Me". (Don't ask about the weird hand. hahaha.)

I sang "Bessame Mucho", completely in Spanish.  (This is the song I'm kicking myself over.  UGH!  I really need to stop.  I'm so freaking mental.)
I was part of a trio to "Somebody I used to know".  That was really fun to do.

And the group number at the end of the night was called "Bunny Love" done to the song "Jungle Love".  OH MAN, THAT was amazing. (Though this bunny is not impressed. haha so awkward.)

Doing these shows are so fun to me.  I love the experience backstage.  I love seeing the girls prep and primp to get ready for the stage.  I love snacking on beef jerky and strawberries and sparkling wine.... CHAMPAGNE!!!

Next post will be getting back to Marilyn as I'm completing the final details this week.  Right on time!  Just like I planned.

In the Middle of Creating: Marilyn

I almost settled on calling the wedding dress Madisson after the mermaid in Splash.  I also received great name suggestions from Facebook friends, but the bride spoke and named her Marilyn. She said it's because the silhouette reminds her of when Marilyn Monroe performs "Diamonds Are a Girls Best Friend" in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, and because she is sassy and well-loved.

I suppose Marilyn is fitting.  After all it is a white dress Marilyn is wearing in that iconic scene from 7-Year Itch, right?  And from what I understand Marilyn (and, well, every single female on the planet, I'm sure) battled some insecurities during her life. . . or maybe I'm just projecting.  Yeah, I'm probably just projecting.

At times I'm really afraid this dress is going to be terrible, an utter failure.  Other times I can't believe how beautiful it is and is showing it's going to be.  Then I flop back into the worry of if it will be good enough.  Even with all the very awesome and wonderful friends/cheerleaders that have rallied and rooted me on (yeah, you, all you reading this), at the end of it all it is me that has to overcome those feelings.  No matter how hard my friends, husband, the bride, my mother cheer me on I am the one who has to believe it and act on that belief.

Here's the thing, the really frustrating thing:  No one ever told me that I couldn't sew or that my skills were shitty and worse than amateur.  No one ever told me I "couldn't".  Nobody.  In fact through all of my training I never got less than and A on any of my projects.  I received praise after praise.  I got straight A's in all of my clothing/fashion classes and received high honors!  So these insecurities, these doubts, they come from inside me alone.  They are all manifestations from inside my own head.

I've realized for many many years that, just as everyone else has to do in their own lives, I am the one who will need to make use of that encouragment.  I am the one who has to use that to move ahead and over those doubts, insecurities, and occasional depression.  I can only hope I can offer my own encouragement to you guys when you need it, too.

And so without further ado - have some pictures:

To be equipped for success, not only do you need positive people around you (or communicating with you via the internet), you need a plan.  This is my plan complete with technical terms such as "boobie fluff" (I'm looking at you, T, hah.)  As of today about half of these boxes have been checked off:

 

 

You also equip yourself with whatever helps you focus.  For me it happens to be drinking tea out of a vampire mug and finding encouraging or spurring scriptures next to the sewing machine.  Sometimes it's simply white-knuckled prayer.  I'm not a very good spiritual or religious person anymore so... well, whatever... here:

 

Next, you do what you love, with love, and it comes out best:

However.... Shhhh!  Don't tell anyone!!! Even if you make a minor mistake while doing what you love, you press on.

You press on.  Literally.  With an iron.  So the fabric takes shape.

And for Christ's sake, don't be afraid of stuff you've never dealt with 'cause it might actually not be so bad. You may be given all the tools and help you need... and sometimes miracles happen.  I was so afraid tulle (AKA: The Devil's Fabric) was going to be HELL but it's actually not that bad.  It's probably one of the easier things to sew actually.  I found the airy and fluffy shape it took to be... good for my mental.  (I think I actually want to make some little girl ballerina tutus when this is all done. I got 40 yards of this stuff!!)

And remember: In any challenge there might be cuts, scrapes, bruises.  Sometimes even blood.  I stabbed myself with the seam ripper.  It was one of those pinches "ow."  Until I realized the damned thing was stuck in my thumb!! Then it became "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!  OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"  My thumb is still a little sore.  But anyway...

Marilyn laughed at me. 

She has this wonderful tinkling laugh and finds my exaggerations hilarious. She's patient and sits in her chair or lays on the table while I work frantically around prepping and primping her.  She's observant and those couple of times that I have put her on the dress form she totally comes alive!  My camera flashes, she smiles.  She knows how to charm, to tease, to sass.  She knows how to give enough hope that is is going to turn out perfect.  She reminds me that I just need to take a breath and continue to handle her with care.  It's all going to work out.

At the end of the day she kisses me goodnight and tells me, "Doll, tomorrow is going to be wonderful."  I have to believe her.  It is wonderful.  Those insecurities? Paper tigers.  And when I turn and find this little stalker, I know... all is well in my world:

What Do Rocky and the Goddess Kali Have in Common?

Answer: Nothing really.  They are just both in this blog post.

This travesty happened in my sewing room on Monday evening:

Yes, that is a hole.  Yes, that is the final wedding dress front and center.  Yes, I asked God to strike me dead.

Mistake #1:  I forgot to use my ironing cloth.
Mistake #2:  I didn't check to make sure the iron was clean of any leftover starch or any other suspicious things.  Because of this great mistake the cloth got stuck and burned.
Mistake #3:  The iron was set too high.

There is nothing like that sinking feeling you get when you realize something very very bad has happened.  I thought I was going to pass out.  My knees got weak.  I felt like I was going to be sick.  The tremors took over and my hands wouldn't stop shaking.  (Even now revisiting this memory I feel sick.)  I was surprised that I didn't cry.  Well, I didn't cry at first.  I rushed to the scrap pile and luckily I had a little to replace the front panels.  I sat down and took a deep breath.

Then the tears came.

They were tears of frustration, of self-doubt.  Every single damned inner critic spoke up immediately.  How could you be so dumb?  You just set yourself back how far?  How are you going to fix this?  This is impossible. This is never going to work out how you planned.  This is going to be terrible.  You're a terrible seamstress.  This will never work.  You can't.  You can't.  You can't -- I was starting to spiral into that freefall.  The doubt, the negativity, was going to eat me alive.

I stood up, took another deep breath, cracked my neck, moved the ironing board to the opposite side of the room, and then took out my personal never-been-used-by-anyone-else-but-me iron.  This iron is smaller, but it does the job.  I never used anything but distilled water in it, no starch, nothing like that so I know it was clean. (Plus I double checked.)

Things needed to change.  Mentally and physically.

I found this gem and played it while I got back into the fight.  I'm so not kidding.  Shut up.

Yesterday morning I woke up with a positive mindset and this song in my head:

Last night I was able to work away, repair, and get this:

Yeah, the Wedding Dress will not defeat me.  This is not going to be like Rocky where he loses the fight, but wins the girl at the end.  This is going to be better.  This is going to be the stuff that myths are made out of.

This is going to be like me becoming the Goddess Kali and destroying and drinking the blood of all the mental demons that have attempted to murder my confidence.  If I need to I will grow 10 arms and defeat anything in my path.  I will become this:

I'm was pretty pissed off at myself and more determined than ever to overcome these stupid self-made obstacles.

Today,... today was a roller coaster of self-doubt.  I was up then down, then back up, and around lunch time I took a nose dive, but I knew all of this is just in my head.  I knew I had to pull myself together.  I cannot afford to give up.  I refuse to let anyone down.

I refuse to quit.

I'll fight until I'm blue in the face or maybe green... 'cause in the end I'm totally gonna be like Kermit:

48% Complete and Book Boyfriends

At the moment I am approximately 48% done with the dress.  Doesn't seem much progress, but it's a lot.  Once I get over the terrifying thing called tulle (the stuff ballerina tutus are made of, AKA: The Devil's Fabric) it'll be pretty much just a matter of getting the layers sewn together, the hem finished the trim and swarovski crystals added - by hand. Holy sweet baby Jesus, I have a lot to do! 

I will have it done by May.  I will have it done by May.  I will have it done by May.  I will have it done by May. I will have it done by May.  I will have it done by May.  I will have it done by May.

Here's a bit of what I have completed right now.  This is just a portion of the innards/lining.

I'm totally feeling anxiety right now. I had to take a break because I kept messing up the stitch and the seam allowance.  I had to put the damned thing down because I don't want to make an irrepairable mistake, you know?  I was near tears, but if Ava taught me anything it was to walk away and catch my breath, so I have decided to come update you since I don't really have a book boyfriend to run to.

Speaking of book boyfriends- today I purchased Once Burned by Jeaniene Frost for my Kindle.  It's on sale for $1.99 if you are interested.  I have never read anything by Jeaniene, but I've heard some good things about this one so... we'll see if Vlad here is gonna become a book boyfriend.  Hopefully I'll enjoy it.  Dude on the cover looks intense.  O_O. 

I'll always love Philippa Gregory's Robert from The Queen's Fool.  He will always make my brain heart go a pitter-patt through young Hannah's eyes. Oh Robert, you devil.

I have fond memories of Hunter from Vicki Pettersson's Zodiac Series.  I do recall a lot of girls wanting to lick him. Yep, I was among them.  Hunter broke my heart something bad, but when I looked further into his background and stayed patient I found out there was a reason for everything and in the end it was better.  I will always remember those honey eyes.

There's also Vicki's Grif from the Celestial Blues series, but I'm still heartbroke so I don't wanna talk about him right now.  I can't WAIT until the final book of CB comes out!

Martin Le Loup was, as Flavor Flav would say, "Soooooooo Dramatical" but I LOVED him.  I think I met him when he was a teenager in Susan Carroll's The Silver Rose. This is, I believe the 3rd book in the Dark Queen series.  Honestly, I think all of these books have amazing guys, but Martin stood out with his reactions.  I loved seeing him in the later books again matured into a man, a father.  I think that one is called The Huntress.  I'm totally going to need to revisit all those boys again.

Oh My Gosh!  How could I almost forget the vampires?  There's Stephen from Jeannie Holmes' Blood Law and Blood Secrets.  He's a minor character, but he had me when I first saw him wanting to kick Varik's ass.  I love overprotective big brothers.

And then there is Alfonso Serrano, the bad boy gone good in Laurie London's Embraced by Blood of the Sweet Blood Series. I loved him when he was a villain in the first book Bonded By Blood, but I always knew there was more to him.  Then I found out his ex was a sweet blood and he was basically forced to kill her. Her name was Jessica.  *Cue dramatic music*. . .  My name is Jessica. O_O

Anyway, that is all.  I think I'm ready to go back and try to sew again.

Who are some of your favorite book boyfriends?

Have You Ever Been in a Coma?

When I was in college and had a paper due I would always have an emotional breakdown. It never failed.  I would sit down at my computer, stare at the blank screen, and then start to bawl my eyes out.  Even if I was prepared with some handwritten work or an outline, I would always cry.  It was mental, all self imposed pressure.

Funny thing is I almost always got a return grade of A. One time I got a B, but that teacher was super hard!  She expected the very best from us and I wanted to give that.  At least she loved the Frankenstein picture I submitted with the paper.

This past week I felt a similar pressure with the making of this Wedding Dress, only I havent cried. Instead for a few days my mind completely shut down. My creativity had fallen into a coma. For days I would walk into my sewing room, look at all the pattern pieces, wonder what I had to do next, draw a blank, then walk out. I would try every hour or so, but nothing.  My brain wouldn't respond.

Finally, I heard my muse and the voices quietly chatting, nursing the incubation of the dress construction process.   I got very silent.  I had to know what they were saying. I wrote out the "to do" list of what they were working out in my head.  Using that helped me jump back in and chug along to get (sort of) back on track. I'm still about 1 week behind where I wanted to be, but that still puts me ahead 3 weeks ahead of the 'due date'.

When I draw a blank on creativity I allow things like this to happen (HAHA!):

I suspect now that I am older part of my process for overcoming any sort of creative coma is cleaning.  Either that or I just haven't reached the breaking point of crying.

It's weird.  I have a lot of work ahead of me. I feel the 100% anxiety at the same time that I feel the 100% confidence that I will complete this dress when I want and how I want. Even with all of life's distractions.

I am shooting for an A.  So I'm going to end this post here and get to work!  Here's to hoping I don't run into another wall..

If you've ever been in a creative coma, writers block, whatever you wanna call your stump, what do you do to get through it?